So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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