Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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