It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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