im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
