I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
