I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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