I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
pray to the hookup gods
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
