if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
