The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
