saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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