Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
