he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
