I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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