I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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