On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
