I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
