I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
