is wine microwaveable?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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