I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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