I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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