so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
