Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
