I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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