normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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