closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
