You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
