but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
There's always time for handjobs
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
