I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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