My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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