3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
