Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
