did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
