I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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