He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
