I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
