Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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