dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
