I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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