the condom got lost in my hair
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
They took my balls.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
