You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
