sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
don't judge my taste in strippers
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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