I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
