Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
