im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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