I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
