how can u be prego again
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
