if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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