At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
