Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
