My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
